Teaching Kindergarteners About Gay Marriage (Nov 08)

I've been holding my tongue for a while now.

My son, Waylon, started kindergarten this past August. Until two weeks ago, his entire public school career had overlapped with the campaign against Prop 8. Although we live all the way across the country in Texas, we heard the rumors about focus groups in California: lesbian and gay families with children weren't testing well and were asked to keep a lower profile while more palatable spokespeople made the case for our marriages.

Now that we know how well that strategy worked, I can finally talk about my latest obsession: insinuating gay marriage into the kindergarten curriculum.

As adults, I think we tend to repress the trauma of the first day of kindergarten. When we dropped him off in the cafeteria for the first time, Waylon looked like a deer in the headlights. One of his classmates was crying so hard that his tears literally made a puddle on the polished institutional tile.

Watching our baby navigate a new place, new people, and a new routine was heart wrenching for us too. For the first week, my wife, Katy, and I stood in the hallway every morning until his class trooped by in their single file line. We blew last-minute kisses, wiped away our own tears, and exchanged hugs of solidarity with the other parents.

With all of these emotions swirling around, we had little time to think about how conspicuous we were--nor could we spare much thought for how to instruct Waylon and his classmates in the virtues of gay marriage.

Luckily, Waylon's first assignment was to create a "me" collage to introduce himself to the school. A demanding and opinionated artist, Waylon insisted on including a printout of his first ultrasound, when he was just a tiny bean in the womb, as well as a staged photo of himself standing next to the Obama sign in our front yard. He selected sandbox snapshots of his three best buddies, a formal portrait of our dogs, and two family photos: one from our annual outing to the Nutcracker and one from our vacation trip to the Space Needle.

Once this unapologetic propaganda for alternative lifestyles was adorning the halls, we didn't have to wait long for our next point of entry. The second unit in the kindergarten curriculum was "family." I'll admit that we felt some trepidation about this topic - who wouldn't, when conservative commentators are constantly reminding us that this embattled institution is the cornerstone of all civilization? Katy checked in with Waylon's teacher, who encouraged us to supplement the classroom's collection of family books. Being a bleeding-heart social worker, Katy went a little overboard; she donated books on adoptive families, interracial families, single parent families, and penguin families. How better to spread the gay agenda of inclusiveness?

Luckily, our careers as LGBT activists and intellectual elites also give us the flexibility to volunteer in Waylon's classroom. Katy's favorite gig is field trip helper, and mine is guest reader. Just the other day, I brought in notorious gay author Maurice Sendak's Chicken Soup with Rice. You should have seen all those five year olds, sitting in a circle and calling out the refrain of this unabashed paean to the love-that-dare-not-speak-its-name: a boy's passion for chicken soup.

But, to paraphrase George W. Bush, where's the accountability? How do I know that Waylon and his classmates are really learning about gay marriage? The answer is clearer than a standardized test. One fall evening, about six weeks into the semester, we were at the PTA's backyard concert. Katy and I were setting up our lawn chairs next to the soccer field when we were suddenly surrounded by a roving band of five-year-olds. "Waylon's Mom! Waylon's Mom!" they called indiscriminately. Their questions betrayed an unwholesome interest in our marriage:

"Where's Waylon?"

"Will you tie my shoe?"

"Can I have a dollar for a glow bracelet?"

"Where's Waylon?"

Finally, one extremely promising pupil clarified the homosexual subtext of the entire exchange. "I know Waylon has two moms," she said, matter-of-factly. "Because I have seen you both!"

Gay Marriage and the Slippery Slope

A few days ago, I was hanging out in the backyard with my son, Waylon, and his friend, Mike. I was watering the garden; they were molding playdoh into fantastic, multi-colored monsters.

"Mama," Waylon asked. "Do you like stripes?" Since my sartorial preference for striped shirts is a well-established fact, I didn't think twice before answering "uh-huh."

"Do you love stripes?"

"Yes."

"Then why don't you marry stripes!?" asked Waylon, in the triumphant voice of a little kid who has just mastered a classic playground rejoinder.

"Silly, I'm already married to Mommy."

"Well, why don't you divorce Mommy and marry stripes?" he teased.

"I don't want to marry stripes," I said good-naturedly.

At this point, Mike decided to enter the conversation.

"Why not? You're already gay," he reasoned.

Although the tone of our talk was light and absurd, I have to confess that I was a bit surprised at how easily a six-year-old was able to summon the classic slippery slope argument.

Luckily, my combined experience as a rhetoric teacher and an activist has prepared me to answer this particular logical fallacy.

"Just because I'm gay, that doesn't mean I think stripes would make a good partner," I said as I turned off the garden hose. "Stripes can't make dinner. They can't rub my feet. They can't even talk."

And then, just to make sure I had the last word on the subject, I tickled them both soundly and then sent them inside to wash their hands.

Marriage Equality and the Spirit of Tammy Faye (June 2008)

Yesterday my partner, Katy, and I were legally married by our friend Jay Bakker, the Pastor of Revolution NYC.

During the ceremony, Jay spoke of his late mother, Tammy Faye Messner, and how happy she would have been to see the day when gay and lesbian couples could legally wed in California. A remarkable straight advocate in his own right, Jay spoke of feeling Tammy Faye’s presence and her blessing on our work toward justice for LGBT Americans.

The ceremony happened in Orange County of all places, an area renowned for its conservatism. On a day when some fundamentalist Christians were protesting the Orange County courthouse in God’s name, it seemed fitting to remember Tammy Faye’s more compassionate version of evangelical faith. In a 2000 interview with The Advocate, she said, “my walk with God is very non judgmental. I love people just for who they are.”

Jay read his mom’s favorite scripture (Romans 8:18). He also read from the book of James: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds…”

Since he began speaking out as a gay-affirming pastor, Jay has faced his share of trials, including the loss of financial support for his church and the cancellation of many speaking engagements. But as one of the clergy leaders for the American Family Outing, he has demonstrated a deep and sincere identification with LGBT people who feel marginalized by the church.

Over the past six weeks, The American Family Outing has met with staff and families at six of the most influential mega-churches in the United States. (Our little wedding party was in the OC for a meeting with the staff of Saddleback Church.) One of the recurring threads of our conversations with many of the churches has been the idea that gay and lesbian people are “welcome” as long as they commit to celibacy.

When I look at my (lawfully wedded) wife and think of all of the joys and tribulations we’ve faced together—from the birth of our son to Katy’s heart attack, from changing diapers to changing careers—my heart aches for all of the LGBT people who are told that they must not only abjure sexual expression (no small part of our human experience), but also live without the intimacy, support, and companionship of a partner.

It’s a narrow and dehumanizing kind of love that says “you’re welcome here if you can give up what the rest of us cherish and celebrate everyday.”

Tammy Faye didn’t believe in that version of God’s love. And neither does her son. Jay says that being part of this historic moment is moving him to prep a new sermon on the Bible and LGBT justice.

Check him out on the Revolution NYC website.